Week 196: YOU MUST BE MAD


This Week's Contest is unabashedly stolen from Mad magazine, which used to have a cartoon feature called "Scenes We'd Like to See." These were generally two- or three-panel cartoons featuring a familiar scene from a book, a cartoon, an ad, a TV show or a movie. The scene would end in an unexpected, often ironic, sometimes naughty way. Your challenge is to come up with a contemporary Scene We'd Like to See. You don't have to draw it, you can describe it, as in this actual example we just made up. Panel One: Close-up of a woman from that annoying ad for a feminine hygiene product, saying: "Mom, do you ever have one of those days when you are feeling, you know, not so fresh?" Panel Two: You see that she is talking to her mother's rotting corpse. Anyway, maximum number of panels is three. Your entry may have dialogue, but it doesn't have to; some of the best Scenes were balloonless. The first-prize winner gets a genuine photocopy of the original fax of your idea, drawn and autographed by overpaid Style Invitational cartoonist Bob Staake. 

Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 196, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Dec. 23. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Jonathan Paul of Garrett Park for today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes.

Report from Week 193, in which we asked you to come up with "Jeopardy!" questions to answers we provided.

This was the week that we asked all regular winners to enter covertly, under believable pseudonyms, to test a frequently voiced theory that The Czar is biased in favor of a certain select group of entrants. We honestly do not know if any of the winners below are ringers. If there are any, they must identify themselves to us within one week, and prove it to our satisfaction, to get credit for their entries in a future Invitational. By the way, we warned you not to get cute: Some persons entered under obvious, comical pseudonyms, such as "Al Terego, Bowie." As threatened, all such entries were discarded.

-- Eighth Runner-Up -- Answer: The Fonz, but Not the Pope. Question: Who has a round, worn spot in his wallet? (Charlie Keatts, Stuarts Draft, Va.)

-- Seventh Runner-Up -- Answer: The Tomahawk Chop. Question: What worked well against the Yankees in 1755, but not so good in 1996? (Jay Morton, Silver Spring)

-- Sixth Runner-Up -- Answer: Bob Dole and Grigori Rasputin, the Mad Monk. Question: Who are two figures in history who were poisoned by their supporters? (Bill Moulden, Frederick)

-- Fifth Runner Up -- Answer: A Man, a Plan, a Root Canal. What entry immediately precedes "Madam, I'm a dentist" in "The Big Book of Mangled Palindromes"? (Michael Baird, Derwood)

-- Fourth Runner-Up -- Answer: A Man, a Plan, a Root Canal. Question: What is Painama? (Maggy Shannon, Nashville)

-- Third Runner-Up -- Answer: :-)% Question: What is the smiley for the verb "to Bork"? (Jeff Lubbers, Takoma Park)

-- Second Runner-Up -- Answer: David Letterman's Top-Two List. Question: What is 10) Marilyn Monroe 9) Raquel Welch 8) Jenny McCarthy 7) Elvira 6) Loni Anderson 5) Jamie Lee Curtis 4) Morganna 3) Pamela Anderson Lee 2) Madonna and 1) Dolly Parton? (Robert Sams, Springfield)

-- First Runner-Up -- Answer: Bagels and Logs. Question: What are the signs on the rest room doors at Murray's World o' Bagels? (Michael Koch, Potomac; Jacqueline Moore, Washington)

And the winner of the Michael Jackson phonograph:

Answer: Time, Newsweek and Scrooge McDuck

Question: On the day he refused to pay the ransom for his kidnapped uncle, whose three bills did Donald Duck receive in the mail? (John O'Brien, Falls Church)

Honorable Mentions:

A Man, a Plan, a Root Canal
What would you have had in Panama if Teddy Roosevelt had been secretary of state and Elihu Root had been president, instead? (Bruce and Christi Blackistone, Avenue, Md.)

How would you describe Bob Dole's campaign? (Moe Hammond, Falls Church; Mike Sorohan, Alexandria)

What are three things that are best to have only one of at a time? (Jay Morton, Silver Spring)

:-)%

How does Colin Hyphenparenthesispercent abbreviate his name? (Michael Koch, Potomac)

What is the emoticon used to indicate "a dragonfly is ripping my throat out, yet I am strangely at peace"? (Alexander B. Holcomb, Germantown)

What are the first four letters of the Geek alphabet? (Scott Sleater, Germantown)

What is an anagram for %:)-? (Kevin McTeague, Gaithersburg)

Those Milk Mustache Ads

What would be really funny hanging on the wall of the La Leche League? (Q. Jura, Maplewood)

What goes best with those chocolate cake goatee ads? (Greg Pryor, Washington)

What disgusting ad campaign was inexplicably chosen over the far more appealing concept of pictures of celebrities laughing and squirting milk through their noses? (Alan Haeberle, Silver Spring)

What advertising concept just wouldn't work for Preparation H? (Kevin McTeague, Gaithersburg)

Mary Lou Retton's Smile.

What is the only thing whiter than a Texaco board meeting? (Michael Koch, Potomac)

Dot Com

Who was Jak Web's girlfriend in DragNet?

(Jeff Lubbers, Takoma Park)

101 Damnations

What is 5 Damnations in base 2?

(Jacqueline Moore, Washington)

Bacteria From Mars

What are men? (Margaret Stone, Fairfax)

Cool "Disco" Edward Pennington IV

Whom do swanky neighborhoods hire to add "gritty urban realism" to their overpasses and water towers? (Alexander B. Holcomb, Germantown)

Caffeinated Water

What does Don King wash his hair in?

(Michael Baird, Derwood; Joan D'Urso, Gaithersburg)

What is H20? (Mary Lou Boggiano and

Mark Yosey, Lake Ridge, Va.)

David Letterman's Top Two List.

What would be the first change if TV were edited for "taste, humor and appropriateness" (Michael Baird, Derwood)

What are David Letterman and David Letterman? (William Jensen, Rockville;

Jack Turner, Arlington)

Time, Newsweek and Scrooge McDuck

After the Walt Disney Co. completes its purchase of the three magazines, what will be the name of Time, Newsweek, and Money?

(Jay Morton, Silver Spring)

The Great Taco of Versailles

What monument commemorates Marie Antoinette's lesser-known pronouncement, "Let them eat Mexican"? (Michelle Fowler, Waldorf)

What gives rise to the saying: "Off to the head!" (John O'Brien, Falls Church)

What was the home of Luis XIV?

(Ollie Williams, Tenleytown and

Chris Gignoux, Bethesda)

The Fonz, but Not the Pope

What non-Italian has been able to pull off a role of a wise and beloved character that is usually played by an Italian? (Jay Morton, Silver Spring)

What famous person whose first name is "The" can get a standing ovation just for showing up and doing a few trademark gestures and can handle a Harley?

(Phil Frankenfeld, Washington)

Is the pope Jewish?

(Hank Wallace, Washington)

Who could do a competent valve job on the popemobile? (Andy Kerlin, Reston)

-- And Last:

Okay, you are standing outside the pearly gates, and Saint Peter asks, "Ever lampoon anyone in a newspaper column?" Who ya gonna recall? (Seymour Stanley, Laurel)

Next Week: Advice Squad